13 October 2006

Wouldn't it be great...

I received this recently in an email, and though I have seen this before, and somewhat agree with the overall sentiment, I felt like I should address this little piece of patriotic glurge.


Sure it would, but it’s about as likely as finding intelligent life on Mars. I would be extremely impressed if ANY politician, whether liberal or conservative, would sound off like this. But politicians are also diplomats, and the United States is not alone in the world, no matter who would like to think so.

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

See above. Not likely that we are going to be done soon, anyway.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

This list is actually shorter by at least one—Spain bailed when they were terrorized on their home soil.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

OK, so I agree that this should actually start now, anyway. Victory and the “mission accomplished” in Iraq notwithstanding. How anyone would lend us anything is a mystery anyway. If I was as deeply in debt, even proportionally, as the U.S. is, there is not a banker in the entire American Southwest or anywhere who would continue to finance my operations.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations: Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe


Again, this should be our actions for all terrorists. Unfortunately, I have seen the policy and procedures for engaging the enemy on the battlefield. I have watched as high value targets were within the grasp of Special Forces teams, but because of the procedures required by the Military Machine, by the time action could be taken, the opportunity had escaped.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis. I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those

tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.

Now we are into some of the meat of this issue. Here we go: Tow the diplomatic vehicles, stop giving diplomatic immunity to violent felons and habitual offenders. Get the UN out of the U.S., and stop funding that organization. If there is a group of nations that wish to ally themselves with each other, they should fund the organization equally, or they should get authority requisite with their contribution. What I mean is, if the U.S. funds 25% of the budget of the UN, then the U.S. should get 25% of the representation and voting power of the organization. One vote from America would take us halfway to a majority vote. If any other nations had a problem with that let them put their money where their protests are.

BUT, we cannot sever all diplomatic ties with those with whom we do not agree. France, Germany and Russia need to know that we are still around, and they need to know we mean business. We need to have at least enough diplomacy to tell them to buzz off when they ask for something. And we also need to remember that NATO includes a lot of those countries on list number 1.

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway.

Federal Troops on the border, north AND south, would be welcomed by most of the population of the United States. But it won’t stop the flow of illegals. The only thing that will stop the flow of illegals is drying up the reason they come here. Businesses must penalized for REPEATEDLY HIRING illegal immigrants. Case #1: a friend, who we’ll call Brody, works in a machine shop. One Friday, the shop was raided by the INS, and several of their personnel were rounded up to be deported. One of them, Jose, turned to his supervisor, (also Cody’s Supervisor) and said, “please don’t fill my position—I’ll be back on Monday in time for work.” And, he WAS! The company had to pay a fine for each illegal, but it was negligible. No lasting or meaningful penalty was imposed on that company, therefore when Jose showed up for work on Monday, nothing was done, except to possibly give the company a reason to hire more Joses. In fact, given the savings in wages that the company experiences, the fine was probably still a savings. If we remove the jobs that the illegals do, then they will stop coming here. See “Historical Perspective” for more on that.

Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

DRILL IN ALASKA ALREADY. We should have been doing that for years. Also, build some new refineries. Spend some of that money from the foreign aid program on research into new methods of energy generation. Wind power in NOT infeasible. Build windmills where the wind blows, and if it blocks someone’s view of the Harbor, let that be part of the price they pay for clean energy.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."

Strengthen our borders, increase national security, but, as Donne said, “No [country] is an island…” OK, Australia is, and so is Samoa, Fiji, etc. But metaphorically, we simply cannot live in the world without interacting with the world. We can, however, hold ourselves above the petty political squabbles, and only get directly involved when we have to.

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. To the nations on List 1, a

final thought. Thank you. We owe you and we won't forget.

Yes, lets. Eliminate hunger in America, that is. Hire those on welfare to do the jobs that illegals are currently doing. Of course, they will have to be paid a living wage, not that pittance that the illegals get paid.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America. Thank you and good night.

Don’t bother to learn Arabic—they won’t leave you alive. If they win, it will mean ethnic cleansing on a scale that makes the Holocaust look like a twelve-car pileup on the freeway. That is one of the things about liberals that I just do not understand. They think that if they resist efforts to eradicate the terrorist threat, the terrorists will start to like us. The terrorists are so conservative that they don’t let women vote, own property or even show their faces in public, let alone be unaccompanied in public. Being nice to them will only make them think we are weak. And, we would be. We have to fight with fire, if I may be cliché.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

This little adage reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw: “If the Democrats were in charge, the war on Terror would be over—and this sticker would be written in Arabic.”

(Please forward this to at least ten friends and see what happens! Let's get this to every USA computer!)

This may be the most insidious part of this whole message. I HATE SPAM! (Not the canned type—that is actually pretty good, fried lightly and with cheese on a toasted sandwich. MMM!) But I refuse, on principle, to forward most things, and have ever since I first got the email telling me that Bill Gates and AOL would give me incredible wealth just to forward this email. (I called AOL my d--- self! It’s real! If they don’t pay, they will face serious litigation!) Please don’t forward this. If you want to tell people to come here and read it, along with my commentary, such as it is, feel free. But don’t—DON’T—forward it!

11 October 2006


I don't know about you, but I would never pay $750.00 to see Barbra Streisand in concert.

I don't agree with her politics, (I don't even think that she should be involved in politics) but I like her singing. I thoroughly enjoy her movies. I loved Yentl. I would even laugh at a properly executed parody of the President, all things considered. I mean, who wouldn't?

However, I simply could not justify ever paying $750.00 to hearANYONE. Not even Billy Joel. Not even the Super Bowl. I don't know if I could justify paying that much for any single entertainment experience.

I am reminded of a joke I heard in my youth:
A young man met a young woman whose voice was angelic. When she sang, his heart melted with desire. He felt that he could not live without her.
But her face left something to be desired. She looked like she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
The young man finally decided that he could overlook her physical appearance, and asked her to marry him. She agreed, and they were wed.
On the morning after the ceremony, the young man rolled over in bed and looked at his sleeping bride.

After a moment, he nudged her awake.
"Yes?" she asked sleepily, smiling.
"I need you to do something for me," he said.
"Anything," she replied.
"Wake up and sing!" he yelled.

So, in the unlikely event that I did pay that much, then dangit, she better sing. And if I did pay that much, then she better keep a civil tongue in her head, too.